She looked out the pale blue window into the first snow of the season. The light flakes danced their way around in the air and floated into clumps on the ground. She took a deep breath and rubbed her eye. Making her way to the grey kitchen she poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table sitting directly across from her.She seemed to be everywhere now, she seemed relaxed holding the newspaper out infront of her face not really reading the words but piercing through the paper at the other girl. No words were spoken, as they seldem were. She got up and put the cup in the sink only to find herself staring out the window again. She turned to look at her but she was gone. The paper was thrown across the table and she knew it was happening again.
She followed the same path she took every morning into the bathroom where the walls were lined with floral wallpaper and everything seemed to be perfectly organized. She filled the bath tub and looked into the water, she was staring back at her in the reflection. She shook her head and she disappeared. It happened a lot now adays. She took the two steps to the medicine cabinet and opened it to reveal the many medicine bottles that were labled with her name. She opened every individual one and took a pill out of it and made it travel from her finger tips to her lips and down her throat. She took a look in the mirror and thought she saw her again, but it wasn’t.
She peeled the loose fitting clothing off of her tiny body and slipped into the white stained bath tub. She completely immersed into the water and tried to relax before another plain day took place.
She got out and dried off her transparent skin with a too big towel, and made her way to her quiet room. After she got dressed there was a knock at the door, it was her long time best friend Joel.
They sat at the table and he looked at her with endeering eyes and took one of her hands. “Elise, I think that you need to go back to the clinic…” his words trailed off but they seemed caring.
She looked at him with almost anger in her eyes, “I’m not going back there! She’s not coming back, I swear. Please don’t make me go back there.” Now a single tear dripped down her boney cheek.
“You aren’t eating again, and I think there’s more than what you’re telling me Elise. Have you been seeing her again? Just tell me that, I want to help you.” He wanted to pull her in tight just like he used to before she started to get sick.
“She’s not coming back, I’ve been good, I’ve been taking all my medicine, I swear.” She was almost pleading with him now. “Don’t you want me to be happy? You’re only going to help me if you don’t send me back there.” She sat back and pulled her hand away from him. She was always acting so childish with him, like she was his own child.
He got up and pushed his chair in making a screetching noise that seemed to upset her. “DONT DO THAT.” The words came out of Elise’s mouth before she could restrain them, “I’m sorry,” came next.
“See you aren’t acting like yourself, please just come with me, they want to help you Elise.” Now he was pleading with her.
She got up to stand infront of him. “Okay, but I’m not staying they can tell me all they want but I know what I’m doing and I’m just going to show you.”
They pulled on their hats and scarves and made their way out into the barking cold. They climbed into Joel’s jeep and made their way through the snow to the clinic. On the outside it seemed like just another building, but as they walked in their noses filled with the smell of rubbing alcohol and the beeps from the machines were rhythmic.
I’ll be the first to admitt that I’ve done several things in my life that I’m not proud of. From the few guys that I’ve slept with that I wish I could take back to those who I’ve let steal my heart. I’m not taking the easy way out. I look at my problems in the past right now and I realize that I need to reflect on them and move on because I can’t be perfect no matter how much people expect me to be.
Everyone keeps telling me that I need to do something for myself and stop worrying about love all the time. I can’t help it, I’m addicted to the feeling of love and the feelings of attraction. I’m constantly trying to impress everyone and in the long run I feel like shit because I know I can’t. And I can’t trust anyone either and it sucks that I don’t have that feeling where I can just tell someone all my secrets.
Recently everyone’s been trying to fight me just because I have my opinions of people and I talk freely about them. If you don’t want me to say mean things about you then don’t be an idiot. People are just afraid of who they are and don’t want to accept their faults. Can’t they just realize that everyone is going to talk about them? At least I’m not a pussy and I actually talk about them to their face.
The clock is ticking on the baby blue wall. The sound reflecting off the other walls in the room. We sit here in the middle of the wooden floor holding magazines and listening to the music, but not really listening to it. The discussions range from school to boys to the wine we were sipping. We try to think about the memories we shared in the past, but every day that we said “this is the best day of my life” seems to be like just another day now. We act like we’re okay, that everything is fine, but it really isn’t. Nothing ever seems fine now. It’s hard traveling from day to day and not remembering what happened the day before.
I feel right now like every action that seems like an impulse isn’t really an impulse at all. It feels like I’m not making the mistakes that I make because I seem to block it out of my mind. Am I making all the moves that I make? It’s hard to tell sometimes.
I rest my head on my pillow at night and try to remember all the things that led to where I was just then and I can’t even talk about what happened. My brain feels like it’s zipped shut under mass amounts of stress. But I put all the stress away, and act like it’s not real. Like nothing is real.
Soon I’m going to be parting my way with all the people that actually mean something to me. Yeah we’re going to talk online, but eventually they are just going to be another person on my friends list that talks to me once a month, but just says hi.
I sit here staring off into space, not thinking about anything in particular. There are so many things that are crossing my mind. Someone asked me today what I was so scared of and I admitted everything. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, but then they came back at me with reasons why I shouldn’t even be scared of those things in the first place. It made me really frustraded, like who are you to tell me what things I should and shouldn’t be afraid of? I guess everyone is intitled to their opinions, but honestly I didn’t ask. And you’re just wasting my time.
I found out last night that my exboyfriend has a new girlfriend and it seriously pissed me off, like he was breaking my heart all over again. I don’t want to deal with that ontop of everything else. So I won’t. It just gets added to the list of things to deal with after all this bullshit is over with.
I’ve been realizing that no one wants me to be happy. I used to spend my life caring about other people and not myself which is how I got into the pardicaments that I’m in today. But then when I realized that I need to start taking care of myself and worry less about other people they started getting mad at me for not caring about all of the foolish things that they were doing with their lives. It shows how self-centered everyone in the world is.
I woke up this morning feeling really shitty after a late night argument with my boyfriend too, he wouldn’t apologize to me and it really pissed me off. Why can’t people just realize when they have made a mistake? I don’t understand why people can’t just say they did the shit they did. My best friends tell me that I need to give myself a break from guys but I really don’t feel the need to, I mean why not have someone with you while youre going through a tough period in your life? He makes me feel happy most of the time, and that’s what matters right?..
I’m also really tired of the things that people are talking about me, I mean I’m sure they loved being talked about but I really could live without it. Why do people feel the need to feed off my troubles. Fucking vultures. They hear things about how messed up my life is but then they just laugh about it like it’s not ruinging my life or ANYTHING. Grow up.
Every time I look at her my heart stops beating. It’s like something out of a bad fairytale. People judge us, but we don’t care. We walk down the halls laughing at people acting like we own the school. My emotions run through my body when I can feel her hair on my arm when we are in the back seat of the car. When I can smell the scent running off her skin, it makes my mouth water. We are known as friends, but does that mean we can’t be more than that. She pours her heart out to me about it seems like everything. She talks about her boyfriend, am I jealous? no. It’s a part of nature. You don’t always get what you want.
We cruise around town ashing our cigarettes out the window and listening to whatever is on her ipod, she plays dj. Is it so wrong liking the people you like? I have no explaination for anything. My life feels like it’s spinning in circles. We get sick and we help each other out. It’s what friendship is all about, I think.
I try to think about if the feelings are mutual, but I can never tell. I can’t make promises with anyone. It seems like I’m always belonging to someone else, and not myself. It’s time for me.
With a mother who seems like she doesn’t care about you. Driving down the street, it feels like home. Couch surfing is my home. Every day it seems like I have to deal with new struggles. My foster mom says that it’s only going to make me a better person, but when does that better person come out?
When I get drunk I feel like people automatically care for me more, but they don’t. They don’t change, and I only get weaker. Nothing feels like feeling nothing.
Pass the bowl around some more, you’ll feel nothing. But now it feels like everyday feels like nothing. I go through my every day motions, but I don’t actually notice that I’m doing them. I go to sleep at night, crying. Wishing that a single soul cared about me. And they do. I take for granted all the love that my friends give me. I don’t deserve to be cared for by them.
Being independent is not that it’s all cracked up to be. Hearing the words “you are homeless” it just doesn’t sit right in my stomach. And I can’t even imagine what it would like to actually be homeless. With friends who don’t care about you because you were never given the chance to meet those type of people. Being born homeless is completely different then being stranded. You know you’re going to be homeless when you’re born into it. But what does it feel like to be kicked out? Numbness.
You feel unneeded, unwanted. You feel like me.
My mother tells people that I need a psychological evaluation, just because you read books mom doesnt mean that you know everything about being psychodic? But you’d know something about being psychodic because you live with it.
There’s nothing wrong with me except for the fact that im a homeless unwanted seventeen year old girl, with feelings that she cant share with anyone. I love my best friend. As more than a friend? I don’t know, I don’t know what I’d do.
Don’t take this the wrong way but I always wish that I was someone else. Someone with a less freaky name. Someone more normal. But what is normal anyways? Am I normal? I don’t think so. I wish someone would give me another chance. Everyone makes mistakes right?
My friend hates me because I did something totally out of call. She acts like it doesn’t hurt her but I can tell by her facial expression that it does. She gets queezy.
Ranting is what I’m good at I guess. I could go anywhere with the things I’ve stated. Like love. How many times have I let love get way too involved with me? Too many to count. Nate is the appidimy of love, he was perfect for me, but getting too attactched to someone always hurts I guess. I want to feel the way I felt with him, but that involves getting attactched to way too many people. Hurting is the last thing that I want to deal with, but it always finds it’s way back to me, like a bad cold.
Yeah there have been a ton of other guys, but I want love now. It’s stupid really. Trying to figure out who I am and experimenting in way too many ways. Most days I just want to nap. Like going to school for six hours really takes the life out of me. But I never go to sleep. I hangout and abuse my body with inhilations of smoke and too much chatter for my ears to handle. I want to explode, or maybe implode.
I’ve realized that I don’t really know who I am. What kind of person am I? I’ve always been pretty smart, but I never try. Shitty grades are the last thing that I need right now, so I go home to a home that doesn’t belong to me and do my homework like any one else.
Right now theres a kid, I don’t know if it’s going to last long, but who am I supposed to ask for advice? I’m usually the one that gives my friends advice about things. But I can’t even take my own advice seriously. I’m not generally a serious person. Ever.
I guess it helps me though, always making jokes makes my life seem less terrible. Like I can actually deal with it. My foster sister asked me the other day “How come you aren’t crying all the time?” It’s because I’ve cried all the tears I can. I litterally sit in the bed that isn’t mine and try to cry but nothing ever comes out. Like a broken foscet. My brain doesn’t feel the need to feel sorry for myself anymore, and I’m not willing to let anyone feel sorry for me anymore. It’s pointless, nothing is going to get better if I just sit here and pout to myself.
Ive also learned recently that I have huge touching issues. If I’m not in a good mood the last thing I want is a fucking hug. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. I feel it unneccissary for me to keep repeating myself like a broken record.
I really want to know what life has in store for me. Where am I going to be in five years? Ten years? I have no clue. I mean I guess I can picture it, but every time I try to think about it it just makes me think about love again. The last thing I want is to be alone for the rest of my life. High school makes me feel like maybe I should just be lonely. Everyone here sucks. All they do is talk about other people and it really pisses me off. I mean I talk about people, obviously, but when they do it just to make themselves feel better just really makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. Just because you’re “popular” in school doesn’t mean youre going to get anywhere in life. The people who think that they are even popular aren’t even popular at all. Everyone just talks about you and thinks youre stupid. With your stupid clothes and your stupid fake tans. BE REAL FOR ONCE. I try so hard to be myself and then theres stupid fucking people walking around like they are who they are but they are completely fake. I wonder what they think about when they look at themselves in the mirror.
I don’t think that I’m in the right place for myself. I’m tired of waiting around for everyone. I want to get things going. Move past everything. Get my life started. Even if I am “homeless”.
I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about that. I try to be everyones best friend and then it always gets fucked up. I want to be friendly with everyone but they all have to treat me like shit. They don’t understand that my family life isn’t fucking okay right now and apparently that gives them the right to be a fucking asshole to me. My close friends keep telling me to stay strong and I’m really trying but every single blow seems like it’s taking me down. Fuck everything. I give up I think. I try to look okay on the outside but nothing is ever really okay.
You were my best friend, we had so many good times, but I guess good times never last. It’s kind of pointless to start over when I’m still in shitsville USA, I can’t wait for school next year, fresh faces and a new start.
Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts. Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest. Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show. Day 04 - A picture of your night. Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory. Day 06 - A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day. Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item. Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh. Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most. Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with. Day 11 - A picture of something you hate. Day 12 - A picture of something you love. Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist. Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without. Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die. Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you. Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently. Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity. Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little. Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel. Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget. Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at. Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book. Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change. Day 25 - A picture of your day. Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you. Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member. Day 28 - A picture of something you’re afraid of. Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile. Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.